Have you ever wondered why you keep failing at the same challenges even though you know exactly what you should be doing? Why you sometimes suddenly retreat just before a success? Or why you make yourself smaller than you are in certain situations? Or have you ever had the feeling that you are not enough? Not good enough, not successful enough, not perfect enough? Welcome to the club of little, loud voices!
Some people call this small, loud inner voice, which holds us back from developing our full potential with doubts, fears and old beliefs, the inner critic, or the little saboteur. It emerges when we take on a new challenge, make a courageous decision or want to move out of our comfort zone. Its goal? It actually just wants to protect us, but unfortunately in a way that does us more harm than good. It was created in our childhood and although it has grown with us, it sees our world through the lens of our past experiences, imprints and adopted thought patterns. For example, if we learned in childhood that mistakes are dangerous or that you must conform to be accepted, then it is highly likely that our saboteur has adopted these beliefs and never discarded them. And this can often unconsciously hold us back as adults and make life difficult for us.
How do we sabotage ourselves?
Self-sabotage can take many forms:
Perfectionism: We don't even start things because we can't do them well enough.
Procrastination: We put off important tasks until the pressure becomes unbearable.
Self-doubt: "I can't do it!" "I'm not good enough!" "Others are better!"
Excessive conformity: Instead of standing up for our own wishes, we try to please everyone.
Fear of success: Sounds paradoxical, but some people sabotage themselves because success also entails change and responsibility.
Let's take a closer look at perfectionism as one of the little saboteur's favorite masks for a moment: Being perfect sounds like a good thing at first, doesn't it? Who doesn't want to do things as well as possible and master everything perfectly? Then everything would be easier, and we would be sure of the admiration and recognition of others! In times of social media, perfection is often portrayed as desirable in our performance- and appearance-oriented world. However, the opposite is the key to a fulfilled life. Perfectionism is rarely a sign of ambitious standards, but a protective strategy inherited from our childhood. Perfectionists unconsciously believe: "If I do everything perfectly, I will be loved and accepted." The problem? Perfection is an illusion. Those who constantly measure themselves against it never feel good enough in the end: our perfectionism fuels our fear of making mistakes, pushes us to constantly compare ourselves with others and the pressure to always do everything right is ultimately mentally and physically grueling.
Dr. Brené Brown, perhaps the leading researcher in this field now, has discovered through her studies, among other things, that people who describe themselves as happy have one thing in common: They allow themselves to be imperfect and accept themselves with all their wonderful flaws:
But why do some of us constantly doubt ourselves, while others face challenges with confidence? In her book "Mindset", psychologist Carol Dweck provides a surprisingly simple but profound answer: it all depends on your inner attitude Dweck distinguishes between two basic mindsets:
Fixed mindset (static thinking): People with a fixed mindset believe that intelligence, talent, and skills are innate; you either have them or you don't. These people are more likely than others to avoid challenges for fear of failure and often give up quickly. For them, mistakes mean failure.
Growth mindset (dynamic thinking): People with a growth mindset are convinced that they can get better through practice, effort and learning (see deep-dive #1). They see challenges as opportunities, are not so quick to give up and regard mistakes as valuable lessons.
What does this mean for our lives?
Our mindset influences how we deal with life’s hurdles - whether at school, at work, in relationships or in sport:
Children with a fixed mindset think: "I'm just not good at math!" Children with a growth mindset say: "I can learn math if I practice!"
At work: people with a fixed mindset fear criticism and challenges. With a growth mindset, mistakes and feedback are opportunities to grow.
In private life: A fixed mindset can block relationships ("I'm just like this, I can't change!"), whereas someone with a growth mindset is more open to development ("We can grow together!").
Carol Dweck's research shows that our success depends not only on talent or intelligence, but above all on how we think (see also deep-dive #6). With a growth mindset, we can overcome obstacles more easily, learn continuously and develop our potential. How do we do this? An important first step is to recognize and accept the small, loud voice of our saboteur and enter a dialogue with it. We can do this, for example, if we
pay attention to what we think about our challenges and rewrite this "script. “
are not only fixated on the result of our efforts but put our efforts and the many small learning successes in the spotlight.
see our mistakes not as defeats, but as lessons.
consciously and increasingly often leave our comfort zone because growth happens outside its boundaries.
And, while we're at it: What is your little saboteur stopping you from doing right now? What do you require to tell yourself "I can't ... yet, but I will learn!"? And what can you do right now, in this moment, to allow yourself to be imperfect and real?
The shell of the nut:
Since childhood, each of us has consciously or unconsciously been in the company of an inner critic who usually interferes when we least need it. It is part of our lives, but we don't have to remain the plaything of our little saboteur forever. There are numerous ways to expose it and disempower it bit by bit:
Become aware: The first step is to recognize when the little saboteur is at work. Which sentences does it whisper to us? In which situations does it appear particularly often?
Questioning: If we imagine that our inner saboteur is a person, would we believe everything he says? Probably not! Let's ask ourselves: Is this really true? Is there evidence to the contrary?
Develop new inner dialogs: Instead of "I can't do it!" we could say to ourselves: "I'll try it out and if it doesn't work, I'll learn from it."
Act courageously despite fear: the little saboteur will never completely disappear, and we can practice not to let him take the wheel. Just do it! Take it out of his hands from time to time, even when the fear is there - and see what "happens".
And, what usually happens is that the inner critic becomes quieter and quieter, we free ourselves from its shackles and shape our lives in a more conscious, courageous, and self-determined way. How does that sound?
How coaching can support:
Coaching can help to tame the inner critic and unleash a growth mindset. Through targeted methods, exercises, role-playing, reflection and feedback, a coach can help to expose and reprogram obstructive self-doubt and replace it with a growth-oriented mindset.
Obstructive self-talk can thus be recognized and transformed into motivating beliefs. By changing our perspectives, we learn to use challenges as learning fields, to see opportunities instead of blockages and thus to increase our self-confidence, self-efficacy, and resilience. By developing new thought patterns and perspectives, we can learn, with the support of a coach, to walk our path in future with a quieter inner saboteur, who only walks silently and, in the best case, unobtrusively alongside us, and who makes his contribution only when we consciously invite him to do so.
My books of the month:
Mindset: Changing The Way You think To Fulfil Your Potential (Carol Dweck, 2017)
The little saboteur in us: Recognizing and dissolving unconscious resistance (Michaela Muthig, 2019)
The Gifts of Imperfection (Dr. Brené Brown, 2020)
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