Deep-dive #13: The Inside Job

In a life that constantly demands more, faster growth, better habits, and quicker improvement, it is tempting to believe we can push others into becoming who we think they should be. Whether it is our partner, our child, a friend, or a coworker, many of us fall into the trap of thinking that if we just explain it better, nudge harder, push a little more, or talk them into it, they will finally change. Instead, we are disappointed to see our well-intended efforts backfire and be reciprocated with the other person’s resistance. How ungrateful of them! Why can’t they just see that we only want their best? Why are they so stubborn and blind?

Why? Because human beings are wired for autonomy. We want to feel that our actions are self-chosen. When we feel forced, judged, or controlled, our instinct is to dig in our heels - even if, on some level, we know change would be good for us. For it to happen in a genuine and lasting way, we need to accept that motivation to change is an inside job.

Why is that?

Our brain is evolutionary wired for efficiency and survival, not necessarily for growth (see deep-dive #5). And because of that it prefers habitual, well-worn neural pathways. We cling to familiar patterns because, even if they do not serve us, they are what we know and give us a sense of safety.

The other reason we are wired to respond to change with resistance is fear. Anything new is unfamiliar and it comes with uncertainty, which the brain may interpret as a threat. In that, it does not always distinguish well between physical, actual danger and psychological discomfort. It reacts as if both are equally threatening. That triggers our brain’s alarm system, the amygdala, who turns on the sirens and releases her stress hormones, cortisol, and adrenaline. All that is happening in less than the blink of an eye, aiming to prepare our body for either fight, flight, or freeze so it can get away from the threat. Resistance to an unsolicited invitation to change is therefore an automatic human response designed to keep us safe from the danger of our autonomy being at stake.

Resistance to change is also deeply tied to how our brain processes short-term and long-term rewards (see deep-dive #1 and deep-dive #2). Short-term rewards trigger the limbic system, delivering quick bursts of pleasure that motivate immediate action. Meanwhile, the pursuit of long-term goals relies on the prefrontal cortex, which governs planning, self-control, and delayed gratification. And, because the limbic system acts faster and more emotionally, it often drives us to stick with habits that offer instant satisfaction, although rationally we know that trying something new and unfamiliar could be more beneficial in the long run. Our brain must work harder to suppress the pull of immediate rewards and maintain focus on distant, more meaningful outcomes – which (again) threatens to throw its energy budget out of balance.

This division explains why short-term gratification often feels more compelling: the emotional, fast-acting limbic system can overpower the more deliberate, slower-working prefrontal cortex. Also, dopamine, a neurotransmitter, central to our motivation, is released when we anticipate rewards, reinforcing behaviors that feel good. But dopamine also fuels habits, which is making change (surprise!) difficult. Hello, vicious cycle!

What to do?

The bitter truth is that we cannot make people change because true, sustainable transformation can only come from intrinsic motivation: when the desire to grow, evolve, or act differently comes from within.

Intrinsic change happens when someone recognizes the need to change themselves, feels emotionally invested in the outcome, and connects it to their own values and goals. Research in psychology consistently shows that when people feel a sense of ownership over their decisions, they are far more likely to stick with them. Whether it is quitting smoking, improving work habits, or embracing a new lifestyle, change that is self-motivated is more enduring and meaningful.

We all want to feel in control of our decisions, actions, choices, careers, and lives – and we claim this right for ourselves. Ironically, we find it quite hard to grant that same right to others. Instead, we are wasting our time repeatedly trying to control someone who is not willing or ready to change just when or because we want them to. So, if putting pressure on others does not work, what can we do to help someone who we care for? We need a different approach.

Not being able to change someone does not imply that we cannot influence them. The best way to do that is rooted in respect and patience. It honors both the other person’s inner readiness and process as well as our own peace of mind:

• We can model the desired behavior and be the example. A popular saying encourages us to be the change we want to see in the world. We can inspire others by living out the change we hope to see, without preaching it.

  
  

• Planting seeds by sharing ideas, resources, or stories - gently, without attachment to immediate results - can also be highly effective. Letting others know we are there if they want help, but that their journey is theirs to choose, is a wonderful way of showing compassion and respect for the other person’s autonomy. Offer support, not ultimatums.

  
  

• Trusting their process, timing, and acknowledging that they (just like us) have the right to walk their own path, even if it is different from what we envision, goes a long way. It also shows that we trust them, that we believe in their capability to change. It also shows them that in us they have a safe and nonjudgemental space to do so.

The shell of the nut:

Nagging a partner to live healthier, pushing a friend to “get their act together,” or forcing an employee to adopt a new perspective rarely leads to true transformation. People only change if they feel like it; we cannot pressure them to do so if they are not ready for it. Their willingness to change must come from within, and no amount of outside force can shortcut that internal process.

As human beings, we are wired to move towards what feels good right now and move away from what feels painful in the moment. Although we know that going to the gym will pay off in a couple of months, that sofa and remote control are far too indulging now to get up and work out. We tend to choose what is pleasurable now. It is less threatening and less energy-consuming. When we pressure someone, we are fighting against this wiring of the human brain and our automatic neurological response to threat. Our brain and our reactions are conditioned to keep us safe. Avoiding pain, aka resisting change, is our brain’s subconscious strategy to maintain our emotional balance.

As Mel Robbins highlights in her book “The Let Them Theory,” learning to “let them” is not weakness - it is wisdom. Letting go of the need to control others (also see deep-dive #10) frees us from the exhausting, fruitless battle of trying to manage others’ growth and allows us to focus on the only person we can truly change: ourselves.

How Coaching can help:

Coaches can help clients identify and practice new behaviors that have the potential to reinforce new neural pathways – and enhance neuroplasticity. In helping us to find ways to manage our threat response through a supportive dialogue, coaches can create a safe, nonjudgemental environment, in which a client can experience how it feels to reduce fear and resistance associated with change.

When coaches assist clients in setting meaningful goals, tapping into intrinsic motivation and dopamine-driven reward systems, this can help boost our motivation. Coaches can also help clients reframe challenges, so they feel less threatening, build tolerance for discomfort, cultivate new patterns slowly, reducing overwhelm. By leveraging neuroscience insights to facilitate change and applying and integrative, systemic approach that integrates all these elements, coaching can serve as a catalyst for intentional, lasting change.

My books of the month:

The Science of Change: Discovering Sustained, Desired Change from Individuals to Organizations and Communities (Richard Boyatzis, 2024)

Helping People Change: Coaching with Compassion for Lifelong Learning and Growth (Richard Boyatzis, 2019)

The Let Them Theory (Mel Robbins, 2025)