Deep-dive #14: Read me!

There are people who walk into a room and somehow you immediately know what they are like. Relaxed. Insecure. Annoyed. Open. Not a word has been spoken, and yet there is something in the air. Magic? Mind reading? A hidden talent? More likely: you can read people. This does not necessarily mean that you can look into their soul, but rather that you have mastered the art of listening carefully between the lines.

The most important ally and informant when reading others, which constantly speaks to us like a silent loudspeaker, is body language. Closed posture? Arms crossed? Looking towards the door? Could indicate discomfort or a willingness to flee. Open gestures, relaxed facial expressions, slightly tilted head? Sounds like interest and trust. It is often tempting to read body language like a dictionary, like "if x, then y". This can work, but it does not have to. Reading body signals is less of a mathematical formula and more like observing the weather: It is more about clusters, patterns and, above all, context. If someone is cold, they do not necessarily have something to hide. Maybe they are just cold.

Another key lies in what remains unspoken. For example, in pauses, evasive answers or small shifts in the choice of words. If you answer the question "How was your weekend?" with "It was okay" and then quickly change the subject, you may be giving more away by how you say it than by what you say. Tiny linguistic details such as emphasis, pauses, and repetitions can reflect social dynamics. It is therefore worth listening carefully and observing the signals sent in the interaction:

Research also supports this thesis: back in the 1970s, psychologist Albert Mehrabian showed that it is not just words that count when expressing emotions, but above all tone of voice and body language. His often-cited 7-38-55 rule suggests that 93% of our communication is non-verbal, especially in emotionally charged situations. Neurobiologically, this can be explained by so-called mirror neurons: Our brain (see deep-dive #1 ) reacts to observed emotions and actions of others as if we were experiencing them ourselves. Neurons enable us to intuitively sense what is going on in the other person. Not magic, but pure biology. Plus: this neuronal resonance is a basis for compassion and for what we experience as "social intuition" and empathy. Mirror neurons function more precisely the better we are in touch with our own emotions. Self-knowledge is therefore an important prerequisite for true understanding.

Why is this so important?

Between the lines lies the invitation to connect. Our interactions rarely fail because of what we say, but rather because of what we do not say. Those who learn to take a closer look often recognize the pain behind the anger, the uncertainty behind the smile or the no behind the yes. It is a human act and a key to successful relationships. Being able to read people is the art of recognizing a questioning look before a request is made. It is the fine feeling for moods that makes us pause before we judge someone.

This skill is worth its weight in gold, especially in day-to-day management. Leadership is not just about making decisions. It also means sensing moods, recognizing unspoken conflicts, perceiving potential, and interpreting nuances. Those who correctly classify body language, micro-reactions, and emotional signals often recognize much earlier when something is about to go wrong in the team: Motivation is waning, insecurity is growing, or quiet overload is spreading. At the same time, this sensitivity helps you to lead according to the situation and needs: When do you need a clear message, when do you need encouragement? Who needs retreat, who needs resonance? Who says, "all good" but means "please ask again"? In leadership research, this is referred to as social sensitivity: the ability to pick up on emotional and non-verbal cues in the team. Studies, such as the one conducted by Google as part of the "Aristotle" project, show that teams with high social sensitivity not only function better; they are also more resilient and creative.

How can you practice reading people?

For example, with three simple everyday exercises:

• Observe, do not judge. Look around you. Who seems stressed? Who is open? What gives this impression? What do you observe, what do you see?

• Listen actively. Ask open questions and pay attention to answer patterns, tone of voice and pauses.

• Mirror. Discreetly! If you adapt your body language and tone of voice, this often creates a completely new closeness and therefore also new insights.

The very first step, however, is to learn to read yourself. How are we supposed to understand others if we hardly know ourselves? Anyone who cannot read themselves and their patterns, triggers and protective mechanisms will most likely have a distorted perception of someone else. What we see is often a mirror of our own inner world (see deep-dive #3). That is why good people reading always starts with an inward look. Why does this behavior trigger me? Why do I interpret silence as rejection? Why do I need clarity from the get-go? These questions are not a weakness; they are the lens through which true empathy becomes possible. What a treasure trove for more mindfulness! If you know your own emotional world, you can better empathize with others and see behind the façade. The ability to recognize emotions and react appropriately to them is crucial for social competence and for building relationships, both with us and with others. It is the conscious perception of what lives within us and between us, what is being said and what perhaps cannot be said or does not (yet) want to be said.

The shell of the nut:

Reading people is not a trick, but essentially a training in mindfulness. It is not about analyzing others like a laboratory experiment but about meeting them with an alert eye and an open heart. The trick is to be in the moment, to switch off the thoughts and downloads in your head and to observe with curiosity and without judgment.

The best gift you can give yourself? The more you learn to read others, the more you understand yourself. And vice versa. "The Empathy Effect" by Helen Riess, professor at Harvard Medical School, impressively shows how empathy arises and how it can be deepened through targeted mindfulness in contact. Her work combines neuroscience and relationship theory, be it in everyday medical practice, in leadership or in private relationships. Especially in everyday leadership, the ability to read people is more than just an esoteric gimmick. A manager with a fine radar can often do what no KPI can do: build trust, shape the climate, make the invisible visible.

If we are prepared to look at ourselves just as attentively as we look at others, something valuable emerges: genuine closeness. Not perfect. Not controllable. Not manipulable. But authentic and honest.

How Coaching can support:

Coaching can be something like the "reading key" to your own inner life. Reading people often begins with a different view of ourselves. This is where coaching comes into play. A coach does not just ask questions; he reflects, observes, and listens between the lines. This creates a safe space in which you can discover yourself almost like a book, chapter by chapter. It often reveals how we affect others, what we send out (consciously or unconsciously) and how we interpret - or sometimes misinterpret - their emotions and reactions.

Coaching also teaches us to recognize our own body signals, to consciously deal with insecurities, to mirror empathically and to refine our perception. Over time, this can lead to a completely new communication awareness, like a kind of inner translator, which helps us to understand both ourselves and the other person more clearly. Coaching is a first step on the way to becoming a finer reader of life, us, and the people around us.

My books of the month:

Read People Like a Book: How to Analyze, Understand, and Predict People's Emotions, Thoughts, Intentions, and Behaviors (Patrick King, 2020)

The dictionary of body language (Joe Navarro, 2018)