Deep-dive #17: A flicker of doubt

The gas lamps flicker, shadows stretch across the ornate wallpaper. In the center of the rooms stands Paula, wide-eyed, breathing in. Her voice is soft, almost apologetic. “You … you think I‘m insane.” The room answers before her husband does. The dimming gaslight is a choreography designed to make her question her memory, and her very self. Gregory, her husband, steps into the frame, perfectly composed. He does not need to raise his voice. The manipulation is in the careful tilt of his head, and in the pauses when he speaks. “My dear … I only want what is best for you.” This is how it begins, the gentle erosion of truth. A slow dimming of the inner light until Paula doubts not the manipulator but herself.

Manipulation and gaslighting are dynamics that do not only operate on a psychological level leaving us feeling confused, disoriented, or shameful. They directly influence our deepest neurobiological survival responses. Our limbic system goes into stress mode (see deep-dive #5), and our brain (see deep-dive #1) sacrifices our self-trust in its attempt to find clarity and recognize patterns.

From a polyvagal and trauma-informed perspective (see deep-dive #7), this reaction makes perfect sense. When we feel destabilized, the nervous system shifts into one or more survival states: fight (“I must convince them”), flight (“I avoid the conversation”), freeze (“I shut down”), or fawn (“I agree to keep the peace”, see deep-dive #16). None of these responses are flaws, rather adaptive strategies that once kept us safe.

A neurochemical dance

The relationship between manipulating and manipulated party is always relational: in the dance between two nervous systems and their patterns, gaslighters do not usually choose their partners randomly. Consciously or not, they tend to take advantage of the protective instincts of people who seem to share a common set of strengths: empathy, responsibility, and the ability to read emotional cues. People with manipulative tendencies on the other hand often struggle with accountability, admitting mistakes, or shame. To cope with these, they have learned that they do not need to regulate themselves, because empaths will do the regulation for them.

Because empaths are willing to question themselves, the manipulating part does not have to. They push responsibility outward, and empathetic people tend to pick it up because they value harmony, fairness, and connection. While empathetic people believe in “repair,” the manipulative ones believe in obtaining relief from feeling shame by being controlling of the narrative.

The healing message in understanding this intertwined relationship is that we can see how their diverse needs create a reciprocal, neurochemical cycle of hope and confusion between them. Looking at it with our polyvagal lens helps us realize that people with manipulating tendencies are not plotting villains. They cannot self-regulate their overpowering feeling of shame, fear, or insecurity – and that they are traumatized, even terrified of being wrong.

What to do

Recognizing gaslighting begins with noticing what happens inside us: confusion and constant self-doubt after interactions, moving boundaries, conversations that leave us unsettled or question our sanity, inconsistency between words and actions (warm today, dismissive tomorrow).

Based on this state of awareness, the real turning point comes from restoring connection to our body. Before reacting, the first step is always regulation: A slow exhale, a hand on our chest, feeling our feet on the ground, focusing your eyes on a single, still point. In this state, we can see the situation as it is rather than through the lens of stress.

From here, reality-checking becomes possible. What did I perceive? What emotions did I feel? What are facts, and what are interpretations? Would a neutral observer see it the same way? These questions interrupt the fog that manipulation creates. They return authority to our inner witness.

The next step is boundary-setting. Boundaries do not need to be loud, emotional, or confrontational. They can be calm, simple, and firm: That is not how I experienced it. I prefer not to discuss this right now. I disagree with your interpretation. Let’s document this so we both have clarity. Our boundaries are not a rejection of the other; they are an act of self-leadership.

Reclaiming our narrative (see deep-dive #6) is another crucial element. Writing down what happened, or speaking with a trusted person, restores continuity. Manipulation thrives in vagueness, while clarity dissolves its power. When we articulate our story in our own words, without editing ourselves to please, to smooth, or to avoid conflict, we regain authorship of our experience.

Strengthening our self-worth is both a psychological and neurobiological process. Self-worth is a network of neural pathways that strengthens each time we choose ourselves. Small acts, e.g., micro-decisions that reinforce agency, are especially powerful: choosing when to answer a message, taking a two-minute break, drinking water before responding, stepping away from a heated conversation. These micro-acts tell the brain: I have choice. I have influence. I am not trapped.

Finally, co-regulation plays a vital role as well. Magic happens when we surround ourselves with people who steady rather than shake us, who listen rather than dismiss, who help us reconnect to our own internal compass. The nervous system learns safety through safe relationships. It remembers its strength more easily in the presence of grounded, respectful, emotionally available people.

The pearl in the seashell

It is very likely that empaths don’t necessarily get entangled in a manipulative relationship because they are weak - but because they are strong. To a gaslighter, an empath’s emotional literacy becomes the canvas on which they paint their avoidance, shame, and insecurities.

This is less a good cop, bad cop type of dynamic. It is rather likely that both dancers are operating from survival strategies that fit together too well. From a polyvagal perspective, we tend to develop manipulative behaviors when our nervous system is stuck in defense mode, and we struggle or even lack the capacity to co-regulate. Empathetic, emotionally intelligent people, by contrast, tend to operate from a more regulated, ventral vagal state. However, this also makes them much more susceptible to quickly absorbing signals of distress from the outside and making them their own.

Finally, the heart of recognizing gaslighting is not about becoming immune to manipulation. It is about becoming deeply connected to our inner knowing. Gaslighting aims at dimming the light of our self-trust. Our superhero nervous system is there to help us remember who we are, how to reinforce our boundaries, and what safety, integrity, clarity, and courage feel like.

How Coaching can help

Coaching can strengthen our ability to stay anchored in our own ventral vagal regulation, building boundaries, self-trust, and the capacity to notice when they are over-functioning for someone else. Through e.g., inner work, conscious awareness, and somatic tools, we learn to stay self-connected and not abandon ourselves. Gaslighting loses its power the moment we learn to anchor in our own body, our own truth, and our own agency.

At the same level, Coaching can help someone with manipulative tendencies and coping mechanisms to recognize their defensive state, change their perspectives, and learn to tolerate vulnerability, or build new ways of regulating shame and fear. In that, it can open a path toward more relational balance and emotional maturity.

My Deep Dive Coaching approach invites you not to fight gaslighting harder, but to see your truth clearer. It leads you from the surface where confusion lives down into the calm, grounded depth of your inner ocean. Here, the waves of manipulation do not control you. Here, your perception is not a negotiation. 

My books of the month

Gaslighting: How to recognize manipulative and emotionally abusive people – and break free (Dr. Stephanie Sarkis, 2019)

Gaslighting: The Narcissist’s favorite tool of Manipulations – How to avoid the Gaslight Effect and Recovery from Emotional and Narcissistic Abuse (Dr. Theresa J. Covert, 2019)